I have been sick for a week, damn those disease-ridden kids. The problem with me is that I'm too powerful for my own good. Everything I believe comes into being. It's all fine and dandy to concentrate on not getting sick, but when you believe that sickness is inevitable because of close proximity then, well, that's your reality, isn't it?

I had a Theory to test and that failed remarkably, too. Until, in a fit of absolute rage, I fiercely revised it and... I felt better. Instantly. Anger can be an awesome tool sometimes. Awesome!

The Frequent Flyer is talking to her wet laundry, telling it about her boobs.

The Princess is stuffing her nose into a new jar of vegemite, being the freak that she is. Tonight the house is going to be overrun with teenagers again-

A terrified scream has just sounded from the laundry. It seems the Frequent Flyer has come upon "a gigantic spider". "It was fucking huge, man!" she says. "It had pretty patterns on it but it was HUGE!" So are our days in the Nexus house.

I can't write properly now that everyone's home. And now I've been told that I have to finish painting the wall in my room. Do you know how much that sucks? No, you couldn't know because you're not in my head. It's not the painting that sucks, it's being told to do something that I had every intention of doing anyway. It's not their fault, of course. That painting has been put off for MONTHS, it's ridiculous that it's not done yet. But part of me is the little girl that responds to nagging by doing the opposite of what the nagging wants. Shut up, little girl! But that's not very nice, is it? It's not nice to tell little girls to shut up. But little girls can be SO ANNOYING sometimes and should, indeed, shut up.

Anyway, I have to clean my room. If I can do it quick enough I might even paint the wall today. But first on the agenda is EAT. Which I will do right now.

 

The wheels they are a-moving. It's actually quite fun, using your brain with the intent of making the world a better place. I haven't quite figured out how to better organise the information overload in my head but I know that will come with time. But I better hurry up and get a clue soon coz my workload's gonna get a lot heavier in just a week.

You know, I don't know how it is that we started hanging out with 17 yr olds but I must say it's been quite entertaining so far. I think my daily swearword quota has gone up 700% (no exaggeration) and sometimes they do our heads in, but we do love our Children: The Princess, Fitzdavid and... the Goblin. We don't really call him the Goblin, but I didn't have a name ready for him and for some reason that word was sticking in my head, and he's a little bit evil sometimes anyway. Sometimes he does things just for the reaction it causes, the little shit. But the Goblin gave me a nugget of orange-bearded green as they left in a sneezing, booming herd out the door (sneezing coz they're all diseased at the moment so I'm exercising all my strength of will power   to form a potent forcefield between myself and their disease), so I'm looking upon him with favour today. What a good, generous Goblin.

You might be able to tell by now that I have definitely been smoking too much weed. It's gotten to the point where I cherish my lucid time. I was talking about this with the Labyrinth the other day. It's sort of a good thing to cherish lucid time, coz otherwise I'd waste it like I always do. These days, ironically, I'm more active and get more done when I'm not stoned because I know there's not much time until I'm off my face again. It's bad, I know. Terrible, in fact. Like I said to the Labyrinth, When a want becomes a need, there's something ain't right. There's only three things a person needs, and that's food, love and shelter (subject to change). Everything else is icing.

I broke an egg in my pocket today. I forgot it was there.

I haven't been writing for ages, but there were some huge dramas going on here in the time I wasn't writing. My brother's girlfriend called me in tears, begging for help with my brother. I've never even met her. She's very young, 16, and her personality sounds a lot like how mine was at her age... If anyone's asking my opinion, they're not right for each other. Not at this stage in their lives, anyway. They both still have too many issues of their own to deal with anyone else's. But who am I to interfere, eh? Last I heard they were gonna give it another shot and I say luck to them.

And I got a text from an "ex" saying that on new years his father broke his neck. I still haven't got back to him on that yet. It was a bit of a shock to receive at bedtime. Still, I should probably call him soon. It's tricky. I'm not going to tell the whole story here, not right now. But it's a complicated situation.

 

 

Okay, I've got a shitload of kitchen bench cleaning to do before the others get back so I gotta make this as quick as possible.

I'm gonna see Ben Harper! Oh my God! I can't believe it, I just can't digest the info yet. The Labyrinth and I have been talking about getting tickets for about a week now and I just picked up my phone thinking that he might call and there in my hand it immediately started buzzing and lighting up and it was a message from him saying "You'll never guess what I've got in my own two hands". Isn't he lovely? My own two hands. I never knew he was familiar with any Ben Harper songs, so I'm quite impressed.

In things are happening on the world domination front too. If anyone's interested, you can check out my msn space blog where I'll be tracking our progress until I can get around to doing up a proper business website. There's not much there at the moment, but the address is http://spaces.msn.com/neohippiemovement anyway.

This morning I dreamt that I was in a house with three sycads...hrm. I have no idea how to spell that. Sycad, psy-cad. Fuckit, who cares. Anyway, sycads are plants that were around during dinosaurs times and they're still around today. they're big spiky things that are very pretty and can cost a pretty penny in areas where they're rare. And in my dream there were three of these wild growing ones and they wanted my blood. One of them was even saying "I waaant to eeeat yooooou..." Very creepy. It was a funny dream.

Okay, gotta dash!

k.

That last entry was a bit emotional, wasn't it? I'm better now and have been since probably the day after I posted it. It was the Labyrinth to the rescue, but not before some full-strength, woe is me moping. He made a few Things Aren't As Bad As They Seem comments, hoping to make me feel better but I told him where to go with them. Not harshly, of course. We're never harsh with each other. But I had to explain to him that when I feel down making little of the down is only going to make me feel more down because it makes me feel even more alone in my madness and shows me that it's all too true that it's Mad Little Me against the Whole Fucking World.

So he understood and apologised and acknowledged the down and instantly I felt better. Coz that's all I needed, someone to validate the seriousness of my sadness. Which is crap, coz I shouldn't need anyone to validate my anything, but obviously I'm not quite that evolved yet so at this point in time I will allow myself to have this human weakness.

Me Against the World IS my down. Nobody should feel like such a freak of nature. But it only takes one other person's understanding to cancel it out, coz then it's Us Two Against the World and that's awesome.

Of course the original cause of the down was money, or rather my complete lack of it. Coz you can't operate in the modern world without money and in order to get money you have to play a pointless, pointless game. Get a job doing some shit that only perpuates the degradation of the soul in order to feed, clothe and shelter yourself so you can stay alive and keep contributing to the slow, painful death of the planet and all its inhabitants.

It's just not me.

Anyways, I gotta go.

k.

It is the day after a storm, in which I look round with a certain detachment at the wreckage and the rubble and see if something can be salvaged from the ruins. And see, perhaps, that things are not so much ruined as just tossed about and set on their heads and so not instantly recognisable.

I have tasted despair again. I knew the hard times would be hard and in my depressive state of mind I let every bit of hardness rub wrongly against my bones. And all my bitter past lay as dust in my mouth. And again the knowledge that I don't belong here could not be passed; not by going around, not by climbing over, not even by pushing doggedly through. There I was stuck and perhaps that's where I always am, but only allowing myself to become aware of it in the darkest, loneliest hours.

I need help, I need help. But who exists that could possibly withstand the weight of my negativity? I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not on my worst enemies and not on my closest allies.  I feel better today though, through sheer determination, and I will probably feel on top of the world again by tomorrow, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no place in this world.

But is that even true? Or is it the poison of the negative influences in my past rising up to taint me again? You know how it is, don't you, to be divided into two camps that will not stop warring? I know my worth, but I feel completely worthless. I know I'm capable of anything, yet I can do nothing. I know I am unshakeably strong, but I fold at the onslaught of my own mind.

My own mind is the devil, sucking me into self-hatred and self-hatred is the opposite of life.

Keep Moving is the only cure I know and the process of living will slowly but surely ease me away from this stagnant place. Do something, do anything, and let muscle memory take over, let the memories pass, let the dead rest. And before I know it I'll be noticing again the breezes and the sunsets, the newborn air that steals into my room each dawn and I'll remember grace and gratitude and, above all, hope.